Sure, She Can Smile...

She hasn't gotten four flat tires in the past two months.

Sound strange? Impossible, even?

I had never gotten a flat tire before, so when my neighbor called me at 7:00 AM one morning to warn me that my front right wheel was flat as a pancake, I was suprised, but I figured I was over due. After school he helped me change it and put on the spare. I chalked the whole ordeal up to experience and hoped I would make it back to the states without having to test my newfound knowledge. Sadly, it was not to be.

Over the weekend, I escaped to Kyoto, as is my custom (^-^). When I returned, the front tire was flat again, only this time, it wasn't alone. The back right tire was flat, too. "That's impossible!" I screamed out loud when I saw it. I hadn't driven it even once since we had changed the tire. I rolled down to the gas station on the corner, who's attendents kindly tried to find an extra tire to give me for free so I could make it out to the car shop. "Did I run over something? A nail? Glass? I just had a flat in the front a few days ago..." I explained.

"No, nothing like that," the mechanic said. He pulled out a squeeze bottle and sprayed the wheel down, and soon a buch of bubbles became visible over a small puncture in the side of the tire. "Something cut it, right there," he said, pointing at the bubbles. "You had a flat yesterday, too? That's so strange."

When I explained what had happened the next Monday at my beautiful mountain school, even the teachers reacted the same way. "What? Are you serious? Someone must be messing around with you!" I had been thinking the same thing, but I told myself I was being paranoid and that, of all places, that would not happen in Japan, let alone Ena.

A month passed. I forgot all about it. Then, after coming back from Kyoto last Sunday, I woke up with a grumbling tummy and an empty fridge. I ran out to my car to make a quick food run when I noticed the right front tire was flat again. My dealer sent someone out to change it immediately, but I ended up having to buy a new tire, since this was my fourth flat in two months. I asked the mechanic if by chance I had run something over this time, but he looked uncomfortable.

"Well, you see, um, no. It's not that. Someone had been playing tricks on you..."

"I knew it!" I shouted, almost relieved. " I mean its so strange that I have had so many flats. They're always wholes in the side of the tire...How could I do that? Right?"

"I'm not sure, but I think this happens in Ena quite a lot. My deepest apologies."

"...Happens in Ena a lot"? I remember when I first came to Japan, two or three cars had gotten flats in our city, so a memo was sent out to all the schools warning teachers to be careful because someone was throwing nails in the road. Since then, I hadn't heard of anyone getting a flat besides me, and when people heard about my misfortune, they all reacted with suprise. Even if it had been happening a lot in Ena, it had happened to my car four times in less than two months. The purps couldn't have just randomly picked out my car four times by coincidence, right?

Halleluia! I Can Drive - Legally!

Japanese people across Japan celebrate with fireworks as Melissa, Ena City's best ALT ever, recieves her Japanese Driver's License.

For the city-slickers in Japan, with easy access to fun, food and public transportation, and everyone else who has no idea what an ordeal securing a Japanese driver's license can be, I say to you, be thankful, and beware! The Japanese government seems to frown upon gaijin getting their driver's license without paying a hefty fee. How much, ye ask?

First, you must have your national driver's license translated by JAF, which costs about 3900 Yen ($39). Foreign residents of Gifu must take the test at Gifu City's infamous DMV: Mitabora. Train and bus fare alone is 4200 Yen ($42) roundtrip. The actual cost of taking the test is 3600 Yen ($36), not to mention the fact that the test can only be taken during the week, between 8 AM and 3 PM (thats how long the process takes), therefore requiring most people to take a day of vacation as well. Thats already $147...and we haven't even started yet!

For a foreigner to be granted a Japanese License on their first attempt is extremely rare. I know of only one person who was able to pass the test his first time, and even then it was because another JET took him on private lessons, teaching him the esoteric knowledge necessary to succeed. At the urging of one of my JTEs (Japanese English Teachers), I took 2 completely useless lessons that lasted about 10 minutes each, costing me a ridiculous 8,000 yen ($80). Despite the fact that I was one of only two people (out of 8) to finish the course (the other 6 people were not allowed to finish because the instructor felt he was in danger), I did not pass.

Initially my instructor told me I had done a good job, and many of the other testees were also sure that I would pass. When the last test-taker, who had been practicing at the DMV school, finished the course, he was told that he would pass, and I was informed that I would not. "Your driver said that you turned left too slowly," the Brazilian interpreter told me in Japanese, after all the other drivers had finished. He had told everyone else immediately after their test what their weaknesses were, and seemed to be searching way to explain my failure. "Oh, yeah, I failed for that reason, 3 times!" and Indian man waiting for his wife chimed in. "Plus, only one gaijin can pass at a time, and this is your first time. There's no way you can pass!"

At my adult conversation class later that night, my students asked if I had passed. When I wimpered that I had "fallen" (as it translates in Japanese), they were not suprised. "Well ofcourse! You're American," they informed me, "so you will have to take it at least twice. The French have to try 3 times...Just be glad you're not Phillipino. They fail like 6 times!"

After a month of being confined to my apartment, apart from my illegal missions into the neighboring town so that I could acquire edibles under the cloak of anonomity, I was desperate and determined to pass my second time around. Another 10,000 Yen ($100) was invested into a 2 hour driving lesson, the first half of which consisted of my driving in circles around the course as my Japanese instructor thrilled me with his incredible conversational skill (in Japanese):

"So you're American? Wow, Marilyn Monroe, she was something, wasn't she? What do you think about Marilyn Monroe? Do you think she was killed? Who do you think killed her? Maybe Jackie was jealous. And what about Princess Diana? Do you think it was an accident? Maybe she was killed. Oh look! A rainbow! Do you have rainbows in America? My daughter went to America, you know. She can speak English. She wants to go back yet, but she's not married and she's 31! I hope she can get married. Are you married? Do you like Japanese guys? What kind of guy do you want to marry? Are all the women in America beautiful, like you? OK! Times up. Number 2 (the place where I should stop the car)."

So that was helpful.

My instructor for the second hour was not interested in Marylin or rainbows. He guided me through the course along the same path I would take for the Gifu test, correcting minor problems and building up my confidence. "Don't worry. If you drive like this during the test, you will definately pass. You're one of the best students I've ever had!" I wanted to tell him "Well I should be... I've been driving since I was 15!" But I just smiled and said "Ganbarimasu!" (I will try my best!)

The point is I have finally passed, and I sincerely hope and pray that none of you will ever have to experience the pain and confusion of this process...I can only imagine how much worse it must be for people who don't speak or understand Japanese.

After paying another 2600 yen ($26) I recieved my serious-faced Japanese license. ("Smile-No!" The photo man told me. "In Japan, picture, smile, NO!") Walking back to the bus stop as I embarked on my long journey home, a young mother drove past me with her infant child in her lap as she chatted on her cell phone.
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Grand total of money wasted on a Japanese license: $359

Time wasted: 3 precious days of my life (2 test days and a practice day).

Ability to escape inaka (the confines of the country) to see friends, speak English, find food and have fun: Priceless!